My name is Kelly P. and I go to the Torrington Root Center for Advanced Recovery. I have 13 months sober. Here is a letter I wrote to Heroin and my story…
You’re like a bad relationship that I can’t get out of. The messed up thing about this relationship is that it’s an addiction. I can’t just call the cops to get you removed. You’re like the best rush in the world; but, it comes to a point where that doesn’t matter anymore. To a point where I wasn’t just taking you to get high, I was taking you to not feel sick. I wish we never met, then maybe I wouldn’t know you so well, like the back of my hand. It was so hard to cut ties with you because no matter how hard I tried, you kept calling my name, and my mind was too weak to stay away. Well, guess what, I have learned to tell you to leave me alone. I no longer want anything to do with you. You ruined my life in so many ways that I can’t count. But today, I can say this to you… We are done!! I never wanna see you again. I hate you and this is my goodbye letter. I would never wish this addiction on anyone no matter how much I hate them. You, my friend, are the devil. You come into people’s lives and then trick them into your messed up games. For many years, you were there like a black cloud following me. I don’t wanna steal to be able to see you, I don’t wanna hurt anyone else because You had control of my head. All you were leading me to was jail. You’re an asshole and I hate you to death. You made me lose everything. I will never ever let you anywhere near me again. Even if you whisper in my ear how “good” you were I will never listen to you again.
F*** you heroin.
So I wrote this letter in the back seat of a cab coming home from seeing my kids. I didn’t have a lot of clean time at that point, maybe only a few days. Well, I’m proud to say that I celebrated one year of recovery on March 25, 2020! I never thought that I would be where I am at today. It’s crazy because when you’re in active addiction you say to yourself, “I can’t get clean, there’s no way”. But look at me now! So in October of 2018, I moved to Torrington, CT from Stratford, CT and I was still using even though I was telling people otherwise. My dealers from Waterbury and Stratford would drive out to me in Torrington and I would buy off of them. So even though I had moved so far away, I still had my connections that would come to see me. After a while, I had lost my connections and I had been robbed and was fed up with the runaround and all the BS that comes with active addiction. On March 25, 2019, I woke up and I had been waiting for 3 days to get something and I said to myself “You know what Kelly, this isn’t worth it anymore.” I was so tired of living that way. From that day on, I have NEVER touched anything again. I was finally sober!
When I was living in Stratford, I was on the methadone program down in Stratford. That clinic; however, didn’t seem to really care if you were getting high as long as you came and got your daily dose, they really didn’t bother with you. They didn’t have IOP, they had groups every hour on the hour; but, you didn’t have to go to them unless you missed your dosing module and wanted to dose later in the day. That was the only time they made you do group. So I really think if I didn’t move to Torrington and become a patient at The Root Center For Advance Recovery and if I didn’t have to go to IOP to stay in the program that I most likely would have never got sober. I look back today, and I am beyond grateful that I am One Year Sober. Even though I didn’t get my kids back, and I don’t have a job, I have a roof over my head, I get to see my kids whenever I want to, and I have earned back my mother’s trust. There isn’t a lot I want in life, I just want to be happy, healthy, and sober!
I have started a YouTube channel called “Kelly’s Life As A Recovering Addict”. I don’t always post on it; but, when I do I try to post something to do with addiction and recovery. I also have a Facebook page called “Kelly’s Life As a Recovering Addict” I have about 130 followers on Facebook and I post about addiction and recovery. I know that they aren’t big, but that doesn’t matter to me. Maybe someday someone who is struggling will come across one of my videos or posts and maybe they will feel like someone has been in their shoes and maybe just maybe I can help someone get into recovery and get the help they need. We all have our issues, but I hope that someday I can change a person’s life.
In the end, I want to thank my mother most of all. She stepped up to the plate and took all 3 of my kids in when I was going to lose them to the system. She never gave up hope. She has always been there praying for me to get better. I don’t believe in God, to be honest, but her prayers were heard in the universe and I did get better. The day she told me “You either go get help today or you will lose me forever”, I was so mad at her because I was a loose soul in addiction. But looking back I am beyond grateful because I went to detox that same day and I know at 1st she wasn’t happy when she heard I was going on the methadone program, but I am where I am today because of that program. I know it took a year or 2 for me to finally get the “big picture” but I did and I’m so grateful. I can’t put into words how thankful I am for everything that anyone has done for me to get to this point in my life. I also want to thank Annie at the Torrington clinic because when I was in IOP, she was the one who kept on me and I felt like I had someone pushing me in the right direction. She runs the mental health group I attend and she has been rooting for me since the day she met me. When something is bugging me or if I have a question or want to talk about something, I go talk to her instead of my methadone counselor because she is a really good listener, and I have been in her groups since I started at the Torrington Clinic. So, Thank You!
Here’s to many more years being Clean and Sober.